The Power of Tactical Empathy

The armed man paced back and forth, weapon aimed at the hostages.

He shouted at the negotiator outside, "I'm in control here!"

But the veteran FBI negotiator didn't respond with threats or demands. Instead, he quietly said:

"This seems stressful. Help me understand what is happening."

The person who often holds the least influence is the one trying to display dominance.

While this scene played out in a crisis, the same dynamic unfolds daily in offices and Slack channels.

Chris Voss, former FBI hostage negotiator, discovered this counterintuitive truth through decades of high-stakes situations. 

What did he discover?

That successful negotiators rarely asserted control — instead, they excelled at fostering genuine understanding.

This principle reveals itself across all human interactions:

• The most effective leaders ask questions rather than giving orders
• The best salespeople listen more than they sell
• The strongest partnerships emerge from curiosity, not domination

Think about that for a moment...

Research confirms what these patterns suggest: When people feel understood, their defensive systems calm down. The amygdala – our threat detection center – becomes less active.

And then something remarkable happens.

We open ourselves to new possibilities.

So I encourage you, next time you feel like you’re in a high stakes situation…

Get curious.
Ask a genuine question.
Seek to understand first.

Real influence doesn't come from displaying power. It comes from showing understanding.